Future's Beginning
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: An epilogue to "The Eternal Tide."


Title: Future's Beginning  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Rating: K+  
Summary: An epilogue to "The Eternal Tide."  
Disclaimer: They're not mine.

As Kathryn walked beside Chakotay, she tried desperately to summon her inner control to quell the butterflies currently fluttering within her stomach. The queasy feeling had not left her for days, and on top of the nightmares, things were only getting worse.

"You don't need to do this, Kathryn," said Chakotay gently, patting her arm and turning towards her.

She looked up at him, her wide eyes pleading for acceptance. "I do. You know I do."

He nodded, and they continued towards the memorial that was soon to be dismantled. Finally, they were upon it, and Kathryn looked up, staring for a moment, her jaw slack.

For a moment, then, she began to giggle, and he wrapped his arm just a bit tighter around her, worried about this reaction. "What is it?"

"It's kind of phallic, don't you think?" she asked.

He chuckled then too. "That's exactly what your sister said when she saw it. At the time I wasn't in the mood to appreciate the irony, but I suppose she was right."

She gulped, realizing the darkness behind that statement. She knew he'd been a wreck for months after her death, and had even started drinking. He'd resigned from Starfleet and had only recently returned to duty when she returned to life. It was enough to send anyone reeling, and yet, after his attempt to sacrifice himself for the greater good was thwarted by Janeway's young, omnipotent godson just before _his_ death, he'd proven to be her rock, keeping her close during the day, and holding her through all her turmoil at night. Sometimes she wondered whether he deserved better, deserved a whole woman, not a mess of PTSD who had spent more time dead than alive in the last two years - but he insisted that he would rather have her now, like this, than anyone else, considering how many years he'd wasted, not having her at all.

She accepted it, but she was determined to conquer her demons and become, once more, the woman he'd fallen in love with - and the woman she'd been when she first fell in love with him.

"It'll be gone tomorrow," she stated. "I just wanted to see..."

"I know," he answered, brushing his hand down the side of her face, and realizing that the hard part was yet to come. "Are you ready?"

She nodded hesitantly, her stomach once more doing flip-flops within her belly.

She walked towards the coffin that had just been exhumed. "It's not every day that one gets to identify one's own body," she offered, hoping to soften the mood.

Tentatively, she reached forward and opened the lid, not sure exactly what she was expecting to see...

Gasping, she leaned into him and he held her firmly around the waist as she took in the sight and recoiled against the odor. The body..._her_ body...was bald, decomposing, and in full Borg regalia...they hadn't bothered to try to transform her, as it had been a closed-casket funeral.

Tears sprang to Chakotay's eyes; this was the woman he wasn't there for, the woman who died alone, without his protection, without him by her side. The woman who sacrificed herself to save him, the rest of their erstwhile crew, and anyone else who might have otherwise gotten in the Borg's way. For a moment, he forgot that she was alive and well, next to him...

And then he realized she wasn't.

"Kathryn?" he called, looking around to figure out where she had gone in such a hurry.

Kathryn suddenly found herself overwhelmed with the force of the sight and smell before her, and felt the gorge rising within her. Pulling away from Chakotay, she raced away, desperately trying to find the nearest bush or trash receptacle, but was unsuccessful as her knees collapsed under her, and her arms went around her stomach as she fell roughly to the ground.

Chakotay found her nearby, on all fours, retching, and quickly knelt down beside her and rubbed her back with one hand while he tapped his communicator with the other. "Chakotay to the Doctor. Doctor, we're at the memorial site. Admiral Janeway is ill."

"I'll be right there," answered the voice on the other end of the comm as Kathryn continued to heave.

Finally, she sat back, whimpering slightly, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve before she looked over into Chakotay's concerned gaze. "Don't say it," he warned. _You're not fine._

Now her eyes were moist as she felt herself growing frustrated with her own weakness. Even now, the nausea had not abated, and she was feeling more helpless than she had in quite some time. Fear pervaded the edges of her consciousness, too, and even though he was silent, she understood his worry as clearly as if he'd spoken it aloud.

_Something went wrong when you came back, and I'm going to lose you again._

She summoned her most authoritative glare, and fixed him with a meaningful, fiery retort. _Not if I can help it_.

"We shouldn't have come," he finally spoke aloud. "I'm so sorry."

She shook her head. "I've usually got a stronger stomach," she pointed out. "It's not as if I haven't seen myself...or a version thereof...die before."

"But this was different," he answered. "That..._was_ you. Not an alternate you, not a you from a different timeline, not a copy of you from a subspace phenomenon."

"Yeah," she agreed, though something nagged at her, and she wished she could attribute her current unease to his astute distinction. But somehow, she knew that if she were the same woman who had resided within that defiled body before its transformation, she would have been able to cope with this as just another curiosity. After all, it had been curiosity that had brought her here today...curiosity and the vague hope that seeing it all would help to quiet her nightmares and allow her to be there for Chakotay in the way he'd been there for her from the moment he'd accepted that she'd returned.

Then the Doctor was there, and she unsteadily rose to her feet as the hologram scanned her with a medical tricorder, his expression inscrutable as usual. Chakotay rose beside her, watching as she was examined.

When the EMH was done, the captain gathered the admiral towards him, holding her close and rubbing her arm, hoping desperately that whatever the news, it wasn't as grim as the news he'd received from Mark Johnson in Venice nearly a year and a half ago.

Kathryn, for her part, was just trying to stay upright and ignore her protesting innards. She took strength from Chakotay's embrace and tried not to add to her discomfort by postulating what the Doctor had found.

"Is she going to be okay?" Chakotay asked, his voice trembling with trepidation.

Then the Doctor broke into a grin. "I should say so. Congratulations, Admiral, you're six weeks pregnant."

For a moment, there was silence, as the captain and admiral were too stunned by the news to form a coherent thought, let alone voice it.

She spoke first, her voice incredulous as she half believed she'd misheard. "I'm...what?"

The Doctor understood her concern, and answered her unspoken question. "You remember that Kes brought you back in your most perfect form. Your reproductive system, along with the rest of your body, was rejuvenated. And I'm guessing you know how the rest happened. I take it Captain Chakotay is the father?"

She nodded, slightly embarrassed, reaching over and grabbing at Chakotay's arm.

"Then congratulations to you, too, Captain."

Chakotay gulped. He wanted to rejoice, wanted to be happy...this was what he had always wanted, wasn't it?

He looked over at Kathryn. She wasn't gleeful either. She looked rather frightened, actually. He pulled her into a hug, and she buried her face in his shoulder.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered to her. "I'll support you, whatever your decision."

And then her resolve faltered, and she began to sob in earnest. Wanting to afford them some privacy, the Doctor walked away a few paces and made a show of studying his scans.

Finally, she pulled away and looked up into his eyes. "I did tell Q that I wanted a child someday, just not with him."

"Then it's settled," Chakotay told her. "We'll have a child. Unless," and fear overwhelmed him for a moment, "you didn't want one with me either."

She shook her head. "Actually, when I told Q that, the only person I wanted a child with was you."

Even as his heart soared, he sensed she was holding something back. "But?"

"I'm a mess," she admitted. "I can barely take care of myself. I've needed you beside me just to sleep...and haven't even done a good job of that. I've just gotten back to the world of the living, and I need to get used to it. I don't know that I'm ready to take care of someone else."

He nodded with understanding. "Well, first of all, we have about eight months to get you ready. And if you're still not ready, we'll have help. I'm sure Tom and B'Elanna will be willing to show us the ropes, for starters. They can probably give us hand-me-downs too, as they're only a few months ahead of us."

She shook her head. "I'm tired of relying on other people," she said. "I don't feel like myself anymore. I've never needed anyone, and now, someone's going to need me..."

Suddenly he knew what to say. "One breath, one moment, one day at a time."

At that she smiled, reaching up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Yeah."

They were too busy gazing lovingly at each other to notice the Doctor returning to their side. He cleared his throat to get their attention, and they turned to him, looking far more comfortable than they had a few minutes ago.

"I'd like to see you every other week for prenatal appointments," the EMH told them. "Both of you."

"I wouldn't miss them for anything," Chakotay interrupted.

Then he addressed Janeway. "I'm sure you know the drill. Plenty of sleep, food, and water. No alcohol, and as little caffeine as you can manage without going into withdrawal. If you can, minimize stress. I can recommend a medical leave of absence now...or later if you prefer. And I'll be available anytime for assistance, should you need it."

Her eyes were glazed over, but Chakotay was listening intently, memorizing every word to relay to her later should it become relevant.

"Thank you, Doctor," he answered for her. "For everything."

The EMH took that as his cue to leave, nodding before he departed.

More confident now, she pulled away from him slightly. "All right," she said, "but there's one thing I still need to do today."

"Anything you want," said Chakotay.

She grabbed his hand and led him back to the open coffin. Then she drew her phaser and vaporized the body.

"It's time to start fresh," she told him. "One breath at a time." She knew the nightmares would probably return, but for the first time, she felt confident she could face them, knowing there was something far happier and more important ahead of her.

"I love you," he said, and leaned forward to kiss her, but she raised a finger to his lips to stop him.

"I know. And I love you too, but not enough to kiss you until I've brushed my teeth."

He grinned and offered her his arm, which she linked in hers before they walked together into the future.


End file.
